It’s the thing we all know is coming; I remember queuing up for my cervical cancer jab at school and being told about our smear tests in sex education. I remember when I had my injection, I milked ‘feeling sick’ and skived off the rest of the day, lying down on the p.e mats with my legs in the air so I didn’t have to go back to double geography. I remember being told we’d need our first smear test when we turned twenty five years old. Twenty five! It seemed like a lifetime away! But a couple of months before I turned twenty five this year, I got the letter through the post, letting me know it was time to book it.
We’re always told not to worry about it, not to fear it, and told “it’s not that bad!”. But to be honest, I still felt a bit apprehensive about it. I felt apprehensive about the invasiveness of it; I’ve been sexually active for years, but I still worried about whether it would hurt or not - and what it would feel like. And I was also anxious to drop my pants in front of a random stranger! So despite being told it’s not a big deal, and despite *wanting* to just be able to shrug it off and get on with it, I didn’t feel massively up for it.
So I left it for a fair old while before booking. It wasn’t actually until I had to go in for my next contraceptive injection appointment and the lovely nurse reminded me until I actually booked it in. There was a two week wait, which gave me plenty of time to stew about it. I don’t know whether this was for my benefit or to my detriment, but I didn’t do a single Google or ask a single friend about it. I barely thought about it and tried to put it to the back of my mind. I nearly forgot the appointment on the day, but I trotted down to my GP’s surgery for half past two and checked myself in.
I was then struck with the paranoia that I hadn’t shaved, my underwear was gross and I’d been working from home all morning and hadn’t had a shower. I was sitting in the waiting room feeling a bit sick and it’s like the last two weeks of trying not to think about it had finally all caught up with me, and was unloading itself onto me in one go. But that was dumb, and let me tell you why…
The nurse was incredibly friendly, and was more than happy to talk me through everything involved with the smear test, which I was so grateful for. She asked me if it was my first one, and I said yes. And then she went about showing me the speculum [which, I won’t lie, does look a bit like a medieval torture device - but didn’t live up to the horror of how it looked]. She showed me the kind of swab she was going to use, which was a small white silicone-haired swab on the end of a green stick. She ‘swabbed’ the back of my hand so I could feel how gentle the sensation would be, which I really appreciated, and it helped set my mind at ease. Then she popped the curtain round so I could de-pant, and getting half-nude in the room really wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. I had a sheet to cover myself with and lay flat on the bench.
The smear test itself probably lasted all of 2 minutes. The nurse asked me to raise my knees, put my feet together and then drop my knees out sideways - an incrrrrrredibly attractive position, if I do say so myself. She said she’d tried to warm the speculum up a little bit for me, and I noticed a lamp being switched on between my legs. She told me to relax, and I didn’t feel the pain I was expecting. In fact, I barely felt anything. I think there must’ve been some lubricant involved because it really just went wherever it needed to go. There was a bit of a delay because she said she was ‘hunting around’ for my cervix, which didn’t hurt or anything, I just felt a bit of pressure. She let me know exactly what she was doing, though, so I wasn’t left lying there worrying, and I was grateful for it. And I honestly didn’t even feel her taking the swab itself.
And with that, it was done! There was a couple of drips of water hanging about in my nether-regions that I dried off with a napkin she’d left on the bench for me. I got my kit back on, and she explained my swabs would be sent to Bristol and then to Leeds for testing! They’re looking for the HPV Human Papillomavirus, which can mean your risk of cervical cancer is increased. She said I’d be getting a letter either way, and told me a bit about what the swabs would be looking for and what would happen if the HPV virus was found. Most people won’t have a positive result for HPV, which means the risk of cervical cancer is very low. I’m no bloody doctor, though, so here’s the NHS website’s information on it.
All in all, it was a very quick and matter-of-fact appointment. It wasn’t scary, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I could definitely feel that something had been up there for the rest of the day; there was a bit of a weird pressure, or ‘feeling’ in my lady garden, but I wasn’t worried because I knew all about the procedure. It wasn’t a big deal to get my knickers off and have someone look; these nurses probably see a million fannies a day. And it certainly didn’t hurt. I was shocked by how much of a non-issue it was with hindsight.
So now I’ve had it done, I’ve joined the smug ranks of all the women who’ve had theirs done and will insist “there’s nothing to worry about!”. But seriously, I was told and told and told it’s no big deal, and I was still anxious. If you are too, you’re completely justified in that. It is daunting and it is awkward when it’s something you’ve never experienced before. The NHS are amazing, and we are so lucky we are able to have this test for free; it’s something we should take advantage of despite it being a little bit unpleasant. Our health is so so SO important. I haven’t had my results back yet, but I imagine the peace of mind I’ll feel will far outweigh any nerves I had about going in initially. There’s my little two-cents on the matter. I feel so much more settled already. So, with that being said, if you’re due your test - BOOK YOUR SMEAR!
Lots of love,
Jasmine x
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