Contraception and hormones are something 50%
of the population will have to deal with. We all have an opinion on it, we’ve
all agonised over which method will be the best for us. We’ve all worried about
a potential negative experience or reaction. We’ve all lamented that there are
no male-pills! Now, I will preface this whole blog post by saying that I’m not
an expert. But I most certainly am a
girl who has experienced what so many of us dread; a terrible response to a new
method of contraception, and a real sense of withdrawal after coming off a
method that I’d been so happy with for years.
For context; I was 13 years old when I got my
first period. I remember being shocked by the amount of blood. I remember trying
for over an hour to insert a tampon but finding it too painful and
overwhelming. I remember crying from the bathroom that I couldn’t come out, and
my mum trying to speak to me through the door. I think I tolerated about three
periods before I decided that it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t able to function
properly whatsoever. Between the searing cramps, the (what seemed like) fifteen
litres of blood leaving my body daily, the money spent on sanitary products and
pain relief, I had absolutely had it with periods after THREE. I swore to
myself that I wouldn’t – and shouldn’t have to - put up with it. The
contraceptive injection, for some people, stops periods entirely. So I was in
the doctor’s office like a shot, and thankfully it worked in stopping my period
almost immediately, and I carried on for years as – what felt like to me – as normal.
At the risk of sounding like a bra-burning
Feminazi, those of us who get periods have it bloody hard. I think it takes the
proverbial piss that we’re expected to carry on as normal, masquerade as
functioning members of society and continue work, looking after our families,
cook, commute, smile, all whilst it feels like the universe is falling out of
our nether-regions. I’ve said many times
that if males had to deal with a period (or whatever their equivalent might be
(an unstoppable leaking penis for one week out of every month) ha!) that they’d
have sorted it out by now. If they had to put up with what we have to, we’d
have had paid menstrual leave from work, free sanitary products and far less
stigma surrounding it.
But…enough ranting…
My boyfriend and I were chatting about
starting our family, and I’m well aware that the longer you’re on the
contraceptive injection, the longer it can take for your fertility to go back
to normal. I think I’d frightened myself into worrying I’d rendered myself
infertile from all the years I’d been on it. We talked about it at length and,
after a while, came to the conclusion I’d come off it and transition to the
pill. I spoke to my GP about it and they explained that the oral pill doesn’t
stay in your system like the injection does, so it means that once you stop
taking it, you’re practically back to normal and able to fall pregnant.
I spent a great deal of time Googling things
like ‘coming off depo provera’ and ‘what happens when you come off the
contraceptive injection’. I was really worried about everything. What if my
period never came back? What if it came back too much? How will my body react?
What will happen to my mental health?
I was on depo provera for a total of 13 years
and it would’ve been due at the beginning of January 2022. I had around 6
months ‘off’ it, but it was one of the most miserable transitions of my life. I
have since made the decision to go back onto the injection. I am already
feeling so much better in myself, and I’ve only been back on for about 4 days. It’s
incredible that the effect our hormones have on us is so vast. It completely
impacts your personality and ability to cope. About three months in, feeling
absolutely hopeless, I wrote the following in the notes on my phone.
“I currently
feeling massive dysphoria. Whilst on the injection, I never had a period, PMS
symptoms, acne or weight gain. In the first month off depo, I experienced
breast swelling and tenderness that woke me up in the night it was so sore. I
changed up my skincare around the same time I came off depo, so I can’t be 100%
sure if it’s that or the hormone change, but my skin is seriously misbehaving
and I’m spottier than I have been since my early teenage years.
I fell out
with my boyfriend and cried over the stupidest stuff for around 2 weeks, and
was uncomfortably emotional and sensitive. That’s settled slightly now, but I
know in myself I am in a permanently heightened state of sensitivity. I’ve also
absolutely ballooned in my lower abdomen, and my weight has shot up by almost a
whole stone in just 2 months (I was 9st 7lbs and am now 10st 5lbs), this is
despite realising the weight gain, and then trying to eat better and walking 4
miles every day with a new job.
I feel like
I do not recognise or trust my body. I feel like it is not MY body. I feel
overweight, bloated and uncomfortable, my usual flat chest feels larger and
cumbersome. My spots are making me self-conscious. I feel very ‘aware’ of
myself physically, and this is highly out of character as I’m generally
incredibly confident and happy go lucky.
The mental
changes have emotionally exhausted me, as now I feel I cannot trust my
instinctual reaction to new information or events. Sometimes, EVERYTHING feels
too much, and I’m hyper-aware of looking like the stereotypical
psycho/needy/emotional girl. And the flashes of the ‘me’ I know - the sassy,
carefree, confident personality - are fleeting and few.”
So essentially, it made me feel like shit.
And I didn’t want to feel like shit. After writing that, I came on a period
that lasted for an entire month. It was absolutely relentless – not to mention
terrifying – to have a full, heavy period for a month solid. Not having it. I
spoke with my GP again and, as long as I come off the injection for around a
year prior to wanting to have children, I’ll be fine.
This is only my experience, and I found
myself feeling disappointed by the lack of information available to those who
are wanting to stop a method of contraception after a long time. My guess is
that most people just expect things to ‘go back to normal’, and from what I’ve
heard, that’s simply not the case. For many, your body is confused, your
emotions destabilise and you can start to lose the plot. I turned to places
like Reddit or community Facebook groups to try to have discussions with people
in a similar situation. I was so surprised at the lack of official data around
it. You can find hundreds of thousands of pages on getting ON to a method of
contraception, but barely anything about coming off of it.
I am a firm believer in that everyone should
have the relationship with their menstrual cycle that THEY WANT. And, for me, I
don’t want one. Don’t get me wrong, I love nothing more than seeing a girl who
embraces her time of the month. I think there’s an immense amount of power in
being able to maintain a normal level of functionality whilst your hormones are
raging and there’s blood and gore to be dealt with. People who can cope, I
absolutely salute you. Those of you who don’t feel like they should have to
cope, I’m right there with you.
Lots
of love,
Jasmine
x
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