Well, it’s all in the bin. I don’t know if I’m writing this to get it all off my chest, or to try to help myself make sense of everything. Basically, my dating career has all gone a bit Pete Tong and I’m sitting here feeling hard done by. I’d say this was my first venture out into the real world of dating, having been with my ex-boyfriend for five years. It was simpler when I was nineteen; I went up to visit him for the weekend and came back with a boyfriend. Easy peasy! Since that relationship ended, I was adamant I wasn’t looking for another relationship. Months later, I met someone, and my mind changed. And then it all went to shit! Anyone wanna join my pity-party? After a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, about 24 consecutive hours on FaceTime to my various friends and relatives and a good cry, I’m feeling ready to dump all my thoughts and feelings down in writing. Here are a few lessons I’ve learnt about dating after my first proper dating experience…
Be pickier
My basic criteria as I ventured onto the world of dating apps were: No one with kids, no one who smokes weed and no one from Torquay. I know - I’m really setting myself to meet Prince Charming with that list. To be honest, I wasn’t looking for the lurve of my life, just a few people to get to know before my travelling adventure, so it wasn’t the end of the world if I matched with a few drongos. But as I was scrolling, I matched with about 50 people on the first day. They all had a few redeeming qualities, but as I look back now, NONE of them were ever going to be ‘the one’. The truth is, I didn’t really know what I was looking for. So now I know that I really need to whittle down what I do and don’t want, to avoid getting mixed up with undesirables in future.
No one is perfect, myself included
But saying all that above, I’m literally never going to find a 6ft 5, blue eyed musician/artist who plays football, wants to write me poetry and give me his shoes when it’s raining, all whilst gazing into my eyes and telling me I’m the most incredible woman he’s ever met. Someone who knows the minute they lay eyes on me that their life will never be complete unless they have me by their side. And equally, I’m not bloody perfect. I have learnt that I need a lot all at once, to feel like things are happening, to feel wanted and like things are getting somewhere. I’ve learnt that I’m the queen of bottling my emotions up, reacting in a fucking idiotic knee-jerk way to make things feel better in the short-term, only to sabotage myself in the long run. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, especially when I try and try to hold myself to a higher standard and constantly make the same mistakes. The reality of life is that every single person is flawed; affected by their past and a product of the experiences they’ve had. I have made mistakes. The people I might meet and connect with will make mistakes. Everyone’s learning all the time.
Take it slowly
Let’s be honest, it’s so easy to get swept up in something when it all seems to be going amazing. It all happens so fast. When you like someone SO much, and the next thing you know you’re talking all day, every day. You talk about holidays, houses, wedding venues and how many kids you want. I got swept up in all of it within the first month. When really that should’ve been a red flag. I know that lockdown has made us all go a little bit doolally; one week feels like six months, so it can feel natural to run away with it. But it’s come back to bite me, and come back around to make me feel like I was getting strung along, when really I should’ve been more aware of the reality of the situation. As sad as it sounds, at the time it just felt like everything I’d ever wanted to hear from someone. I know how unfulfilled I felt in my last relationship, and it felt like this time I’d found someone who wanted all the same things I did. No matter how much I liked him, I didn’t bloody know the guy. I needed far more time to navigate it all. Isn’t hindsight a wonderful, bittersweet thing?
Trust your gut
After a few visits, I started to feel a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I could almost feel that it was going wrong, although I couldn’t put my finger on why. I just didn’t know where I stood, or what was really going on. And I felt so confused because nothing bad had happened. He was still texting, but I felt like I was being held at arm’s length, which was awful because I could feel myself getting more and more invested. I got to the point where I wanted to know where things were headed, but whenever I told my friends how I felt, they told me to “chill out” and “not to scare him off”. I really hate that. After two months, I felt totally within my rights to ask the question. So I did. And I didn’t get the answer I wanted. I really didn’t expect the answer I was given, but I know something wasn’t right otherwise I wouldn’t have asked. I feel like if everything was perfect, I need never have asked - so it absolutely can’t have been.
Be kinder to myself
I know that I try to protect myself by acting out; by doing my whole “I don’t care”, “who gives a flying fuck?” schtick. I think it’s the right thing to do at the time. I can feel myself thinking “if I feel hurt, why not take it to the next step, it can’t get any worse than this.” I try not to let myself feel things because it’s a coping mechanism, and I’ve been so hurt in the past. I am exhausted by relationships, which is why I set out to only find a few people for a casual-type thing in the first place. But that’s never worked out well for me in the past, and if this has taught me anything, it’s that I know that I really do want a relationship. To be in an exclusive situation where we respect one another and care about each other. I need to be kinder to myself and realise that that’s what I deserve. I am so fucking full of love, and to be honest, I just want [and have always just wanted] to be someone’s everything. It might sound a bit naff, but hey, different things make different people tick. We all want different things out of life, and I think it’s time to be honest with myself and acknowledge what I want and deserve.
Lots of love,
Jasmine x
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