What does a foodie do when they’re presented with self-isolation? Sure, I could plant my backside on the sofa and watch back-to-back episodes of Hell’s Kitchen. But why in the heck would I do that when I can challenge myself to learn new recipes?! One of the saddest things about this whole situation is that, until today, I’d forgotten what Eggs Benedict tasted like. So I set myself a goal to learn to make it myself.
What follows is a tale of intrigue and heartbreak, so buckle up. I don’t even have the nerve to put ‘recipe’ or ‘how to’ in the title because it’d be like the blind leading the blind; I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Nevertheless, here’s the story of a brunch-loving gal who just wants a f***ing poached egg…
I was shooketh to my core to discover you only need a few ingredients for the holiest of dishes of all time. I trotted down the Co-Op and picked up a box of free range eggs, a pack of bacon medallions and a packet mix for hollandaise sauce. I already had bread, butter and cracked black pepper at home. Technically, instead of the bread, this should be served on an English muffin, but I think muffins are overrated. soz.
I opted for a hollandaise sauce packet mix because if you for one second thought that I’m going to start separating egg yolks and whisking stuff into white wine vinegar, then you are sadly mistaken. I went for the bacon medallions just on personal preference too; I’m not a fan of bacon fat and I’m too busy and fabulous to be trimming it off with scissors. Laziness will always prevail in my kitchen!
Though I was pleasantly surprised that the ingredients only cost me about a fiver, I was vexed to discover that this was going to be a masterclass in multitasking. I heated some olive oil in a frying pan for my bacon and got that going. Then I got some water boiling for my poached eggs. Then, after forgetting all about it, added the milk to my hollandaise sauce mix in a pan and got that simmering away.
Now for the kicker. I’ve never poached an egg before. I think about poaching eggs in the same way I think about holding my breath for half an hour; I just cannot bloody do it and I’m not going to try. But I wanted my Eggs Benedict so much!
I thought I was too good for vinegar in the water, so I dropped my first egg in the water, only for it to disintegrate. So I added some vinegar. I ballsed up two out of the four eggs I tried to poach. All while stirring my hollandaise and flipping my bacon. It was like spinning plates!
When I was done flinging myself around the kitchen trying to toast bread and semi-tidy up after myself [the place looked like a bomb had gone off], the final product was ready. And it looked like it had been dropped onto the plate from a three-metre height. It literally looks like it was hit by a car. One of my yolks burst en-route to the plate - a travesty - and in hindsight I do actually think it looks a lot better served atop an English muffin. But when I tell you it tasted good, t r u s t a n d b e l i e v e it tasted so good.
I’m going to make it my quarantine mission to master my brunch fave. I’ve got about half of the ingredients left over, so I’m going to try it again tomorrow. And tomorrow the eggs are going to look slightly more insta-worthy, god dammit! And if they don’t, I’m going to cry, then proceed immediately onto the internet to buy some kind of egg-poaching device.
Cannot tell you how proud I am of this effort! Even though it looks pre-chewed and like total shite, it was exactly the taste I’ve been missing during these locked-down times. It sounds a bit cheesy to say, but I feel invigorated by the fact I decided I wanted to try it, so I did. It was super fun to commit to trying my best at something I’ve not tried before. I can’t wait to eat this all over again tomorrow, and then I’ll be scouring Pinterest for the next ridiculously challenging recipe I want to destroy my kitchen making!
Lots of love,
Jasmine x
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